Check out my red lips. Are they not the best?
2012 is going to be a good year. 2011 had some great moments including hiking Mt. LeConte, 2 10K races, significant weightloss and maintenance, but 2012 is going to be awesome.
First, I am having a huge birthday party on the 21st. If I have to turn 30 (!) then I am going to do it with cake and champagne. One of the things I want this year is to make my house a place of celebration, entertainment, and hospitality. I want people to feel welcome here.
Second, I am running the Disney Princess Half Marathon at the end of February. This is a major goal and I am both nervous and ready for this experience. It may be the most thrilling experience of my young life.
Third, more CrossFit, Yoga, Zumba, and other positive, healthy things. I have been trying to evaluate the times when I am happiest and it seems that, for now, I am happiest when I am doing these things. Not only are they fun but they keep me entirely in the moment. When I am doing CrossFit of Hot Yoga then I can think of nothing else but finishing the workout and meeting the immediate goal of surviving and thriving. I cannot think of the past 18 months and some of the incredibly hard, hurtful experiences. I joined CrossFit for weight training and fitness; I did not realize that it would soon become a place of escape too.
Fourth, more weightloss. On so many levels I feel ready for this but, at the same time, not. I want, desperately, to be seen as an athlete by myself and others. I also want to be a vixen, with red lips and Zooey Deschanel bangs. But, simultaneously, I do not want the attention that comes with weightloss and especially unwanted male attention. When men admire me, men that I want to admire me, the attention feels nice, flattering, however, when men that are too old, gross, or otherwise less desirable look at me if makes me feel like a victim of consumption. I hate that I cannot control their own looks at me. Staying heavy protects me from that. I'm going to have to find a way to deal with this as it only increases with the more weight I lose.
Fifth, I want to have more adventures. I want to climb LeConte again this summer. I want to swim with manatees. I want to take an art class or join a book club. I want to go rock climbing at the Rez. I want to be someone who does things.
Some of these feel a lot like resolutions, and I suppose they are to some vague extent. Mostly I just really want 2012 to be more than 2011. More opportunities, more happiness, more hope. Less pain, loss, and suffering.